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I will soon be displaying some sketches a new side of art that you have yet to see. My photography will have to be put on hold do to missing chargers. =( But Hopefully they will be found and I hope you like my art work that will be posted soon.
  • Listening to: Stay by sugarland
You have a girl. She's patient and understands when you cancel because things come up last minute. She knows because at times she needs to cancel on you to from time to time. She doesn't pressure you or yell at you about liking other girls pictures of facebook or calling them beautiful. Why? because she doesn't want to seem insecure. Also because its Just facebook. She supports you in what you want to do. Believes in you and encourages you. Regardless of the fact that your both busy. She trust you and thinks things can work in the distance. She loves you. She wont always say I love you baby. Or I love you. She knows you aren't ready. So she makes sure she says it rarely. Enough where she can count on her fingers which has only been twice. But she tells you how much you mean to her and that she does have feelings for you. She lets you know that she misses you. Also she's miserable and depressed. But she doesn't want you to worry. So she puts a smile on her face and focuses on the positive when she's texting you. When you two make plans. She rearranges her plans so she can go see you. She waits for you to show up. Waits for an hour even if its out in the cold. She hits you up. Sorry babe can't. She gets mad but she's like fine. She keeps her anger in because she doesn't like fighting with you. Most you two fight about is sex and if you even want her or not. But when she snaps you tell her about how things will get better. You have her believing you. She's called in quits and gave you outs. You never said much other then giving it try and you two can work it out. So when you have her believing things will work out. The girl that has been faithful no matter how many times guys asked her out. How many times guys tried to kiss her. The girl that supports you, trust you, loves you, is there for you. When she find out you want someone else. When you have feelings for someone else. She flips! She did nothing but made it easy for you. She did what she could to make you happy! Was willing to do whatever she had to do for you! She shows you loves, talks to you about anything and everything. When your upset she comforts you. When something is on your mind she is there and talks about it with you. When something is bothering you she talks out with you. When you have trouble sleeping she stays up late even if it means she has to wake up at 2 in the morning and has to talk to you till 6 or until she has to leave to go to school. Wont argue with you about the small things. Only the big things. She's understanding and honest with you. Buys you gifts. For heavens sake! She's a jets fan and goes as far as to buy you a giants shirt with your favorite player's number and name on it! She hates Valentines day with a passion but she was willing to make an effort just for you. She knows that you don't like seeing her depressed and angry. So she tries not  to bother you too much with her problems. When she's suppose to see you she tries to look good for you. She puts a light bit of makeup on and does her hair nice. She knows you like her with her hair long. Instead of cutting it short she gets it trimmed and leaves it long. She feels hurt in every aspect but when she comes out to you that she was cutting herself and she stopped a month ago. She doesn't argue with you when you get mad. She says you have every reason to be mad. So she promises you that she won't. She struggles some nights when she's up crying to not cut herself. But she reminds herself of that promise. She rights you pomes and rights letters buts doesn't give them to you. Because she doesn't want to push you and because she doesn't want you to worry. When you two fight. She says sorry when she calms down because she doesn't want to loose you. She says sorry! When she was always the girl to never forgive and never apologize. She makes an effort to let you in and open herself to you. When she would rather keep you closed out. But no she let her walls down and let you in. She never asked you for gifts. For roses. Never asked you to take her places. She never asked for anything other then no secrets, your time and that you want her. She stood by you when everyone told her to forget you. When her mother spoke against you she spoke for you. Not to defend but because you couldn't speak for yourself. She would leave because she didn't want to hold you back, she would leave cause she wanted you to be happy even if it wasn't with her. But you held on. When she gave you outs. You stood. You told her you would be better. Told her you would try harder. Now out of no where you have feelings for someone else. Want someone else? Someone that you don't even know if they have feelings for you? And you use the excuse she was around when she wasn't? You use the excuse that your girl lives to far? Your girl. She would travel to go see you. So what if she lives miles away. She travels miles to go to school and home. She travels within borrows to go see you. Of course she would go to your house to go see you! Give her the address and she'll go. When you had pink eye she offered to go see you, spend time with you and take care of you. You said you didn't want her to get sick. She doesn't talk shit to your ex because she knows you two are childhood friends. She doesn't want to come between you two. You no longer feel your girl, but you have no idea what else she was willing to do for you. So how is it you no longer had feelings for your girl after all this? She didn't question you. Didn't cheat on you. Always supported you. Loved you. Let you know how much she missed you and cared about you. Was always there for you. Was patient. Was understanding. Laughed with you. Did what she could to make you happy even if it meant she had to keep her pain hidden from you. So why? Why leave someone that was so good to you? For someone that might not have feelings for you?
You know what she thinks? She thinks its her weight. She thinks maybe it was her fault. Maybe she didn't do enough. Or maybe she did too much if that was possible. She thinks that now you never wanted her to begin with. She thinks she never meant anything to you. She thinks she wasted her time. She thinks you don't care. She thinks that she wasn't enough for you. She thinks that something is wrong with her. She's thinking many things.
But you know what really can't shake her mind? The fact that you proved her wrong. That you did what everyone said you would do. Actually you even proved your own self right. You fucked it up. You fucked up big time. Now? Now she doesn't know. You leave her now after four months. For five she was thinking about giving herself to you. She wasn't sure. She thinks she wasn't good enough. You know what everyone else thinks? That your a jerk, your an ass and your weak.
Not like it matters to you. You tell her she's still a part of you? But do you realize she's loved you for more then 2 and half years? Even when you were friends she was always there for you. Do you remember when your girlfriend was pregnant? Before she lost the baby? She was there for you and was willing to help you. The day that you come to school shaking and bothers because of a fight between you and your step dad? She was there holding you and listened. When ever you were having issues with your girlfriend at the time. She was always there helping you encouraging you to work it out. When things were broken between you two. You tried and she forgave you.
She looked out for you! She was always there for you! ALWAYS! Always there for you to talk to about anything! ALWAYS!
So you fuck with her feelings over and over again. But now you just broke her to a point that she's ripped up pictures, deleted messages and can't even look at facebook or your number without getting angry. That now she's going to see this girl in Chemistry class and think I lost him to her. I wasn't enough. After three years I still wasn't enough. But she was. She is. You hurt her so many times but she was the idiot that still found good in you and was still there. When she walked away and you did what you could to get her back. She forgave you and worked things out. She laughed and joked with you. Had meaningful conversations with you. Supported you.
Bt did you ever support her? Did you support her in her art? In her photography? Or did you only support her in her writing cause it was something you both shared?
You know what's been going through her head that has her crying at night?
That you'll give this girl all the time you never gave her. That you'll tell her the things you never told her. You'll treat this girl the way you never treated her. You'll be there for this girl.
After three years. This is what happens. Do you even know what you've done? Do you realize how much you meant to this girl? How much pain you've cause? How much you owe her?
She's not depressed. Why? Because the sad thing is that she can say she's used to it and she was prepared for you leaving her for someone else. Why should have to be that way? Why should she have had to prepare herself for that? She didn't ask much of you. Just your love, attention, your time.
She wanted to be the best for you. She was doing what she could to be her best for you. Was giving her best. You through it all away by asking her friend to help you with some other girl.
Now imagine how she really feels. Imagine that. Three years, and to you she wasn't enough. After everything…  .
  • Listening to: "Hold it against me" Sam Tsui Cover
If you ever loved somebody put your hands up.
And now they're gone and you wish you could give them everything.
  • Listening to: "Hold it against me" Sam Tsui Cover
I wont say new year new me. Cause i'm not gonna change a total 360. But i will be working on me and on my photography. So welcome 2013!!!
  • Listening to: the tv
  • Reading: text messages
  • Watching: my dog
  • Drinking: coffe
Time for a New Year.
A new and fresh start.
Good buy to the past and everything that has happened so far.
Issues wont disappear
at the sight of the ball drop
or at the ticking of the clock.
But it's a new year.
A new number
the beginning of the calendar.
Start anew.
Take a different step.
Different direction.
Even with old unsolved issues,
try to solve in a different way.
Take new opportunities,
make new friends.
Take another chance at life with another year.
Another number.
Be glad your a live.
Live the life your given!
I want to cry my eyes out.
I want to scream to the heavens.
I want to slam the doors open of a church get down on my knees and just scream and ask God why.
I want to hit something,
I want to break glass.
I want to punch a mirror.
I want to cut my hair in frustration.
I want to slice my wrist.
I want to tear apart my clothes.
I want to rip out pages from random books on my shelves.
I want to throw things across the room.
I want to throw plates and cups.
I want to run off into the night.
I want to take all my money and get a bus ticket.
I want to disappear.
I want to drown in a bottle of pills.
I want to hold my boyfriend and cry in his chest.
I want to yell and scream at my boyfriend.
I want to scream at my ex best-friend and tell her the truth,
tell what she did  to me.
I want to tell my other ex best-friend how I really feel about him.
I want to yell at my friend and tell him to just fucken man up already and grow some balls.
I want to tell my parents that I blame them,
I blame them for the person I am today and for the shit that has happened to me.
What I've become and how I react and feel.
I want to yell at them and tell them I hate them but I'm forced to love them, tell them how they didn't do enough.
I want to grab a mike and sing karaoke and tell the world that I'm not perfect.
I want people to realize and see how broken I truly am.
I want someone to look at me and see how hard I'm trying to find strength.
I want to gain strength and patience.
I want to no longer feel insecure.
I want to loose this temptation of just ending it all.
I just want quiet and to leave.
I want to be rid of this anxiety.
I want to be loved the way I love others.
I want someone to understand perfectly,
to understand perfectly who I am and what I need and what i don't need.
I want to find love.
I want to find peace.
I want to find heaven.
I want to be set free.
I want to just fuck the sorrow and pain right out of me.
I want to just hold my breath till I can't breath.
I want to go skinny dipping and forget the rest of the world.
I want to travel on a boat,
I want to leave and just never look behind me.
I want things to be the way it use to be.
I just want,
I want all these things.
But what I really want.
What I really want. . .
is to be loved by my boyfriend and treated right.
Have a friend that wont leave and will really understand me.
Be at peace with myself and mind.
And just be able to let go
and live without all this pain and suffering.
That's what I want.
Question is, will you be the one to give it to me?
Will you be my hero?
Will you be mine?
I give you what you want,
and you give me what I want.
I just want,
I'm tired of doing what I need and what everyone else needs.
Being what others need and want.
What about my wants?
You know what I want?
To be wanted.
  • Watching: Romeo and Juliet
Metal on my lips taste sliding to the tip of my tongue. Swirling in my mouth like that of a kiss from my passionate lover. Finger nails bitten and chipped. My hands rough and my wrist scared. My face dried, eyes burn and blurred with watery eyes. My throat feels that as if I'm being strangled. I have no voice only gasp and moans of tender pain and heartache. Knees bound to the floor head bowing yet not in prayer. Blood and tears soak this floor. Raven hair tangled and sprawled across my face. No air to breath no air to even speak. Hands clutching to my chest. Nails clawing at the fabric of my shirt. If I could rip and tear this heart out I would. Anything to be rid of this pain.

A heart is a heavy burden I once read. Yet no book, no song nor any play or movie. Nothing could have prepared me for this pain that is so strong and severe.

A pain that is strong, one that has left a scar. A scar that is a fresh wound that had happened months ago. Yet i can still feel it as the hour of midnight pain. Struck me with an arrow. One burning worse then a flame one sharper then a bullet.

To let go for the sake of love is a pain that no man nor woman should have to bear. A pain that is a burden to the soul. One that ways heavy. A knowledge that the soul shall know, but forever hope to never truly know.

Love is a curse as is a blessing. Question is not to be or to be. Rather shall one be gifted with a blessing or feel the deep sorrow and pain of the cursed. Difference of knowing and feeling. Knowledge and pain. Knowledge and feeling. Ticking of a clock and ticking of the hour. The string of pain and joy are met at one. But love is a life of ignorance and to be blind.

For I know the curse of pain for the sake of loving one. Yet I know the world of the blessed. Both feel the same. Both are the beginning and the end. Yet its harder to remember the joy for the pain is a stronger pain in the chest then the butterflies in my stomach.

I should be happy that I have a man that i have done nothing but hope dear to my chest that he will be mine. Yet in months not once have  i held him in my arms. Or felt that of his lips in a soft but passionate kiss. I am no lady Juliet and he is not Romeo. He does not love me. Not yet, but I ask myself if he will ever. His heart is not mine. It does not beat the same as he use to. I have to wait to hear from him. To even receive a letter. Maybe I'm Romeo and he my Juliet. But he does not lay asleep waiting for my return. No I fear his feelings lay dead and I sit here and wait to hear news from the priest. Yet the priest has sent me nothing. No word no sign.

I don't even know what can happen in the morrow.

Will he silence be of fear from his words of love. Or his silence be for me as he speaks to another. My soul knows knowledge that my heart wishes to never bear. I pray, my  heart prays. My soul prays and begs to the being that lives above. For once to let my fragile and broken heart to be spared. But all my life I have become a known prisoner to suffering. Being tormented as I lay in my cage. Not breathing gasping for air not seeing with blurry and watery eyes.

A soul that is as broken as my skin that has been ripped open by a blade three times before and left with scars from only a month before.  

I do not know how this story plays out. I can only hope. Can only pray that my love loves me back and wont leave me to my wake of heartache and pain.
His rough hands made their way around my waist with his fingers gently grazing my lower back. My fingers on their own accord started crawling up his arms and resting on his shoulders for a second before they wrapped themselves around his neck. Resting my head on his shoulder I nuzzled my face in his neck and gently kissed his pulse point. I felt his heart beat jump a little. I let out a small giggle and bit my lower lip. My right hand slid down to his heart. Our first kiss, I remember. Half way through the kiss I realized my hand was resting on his heart the whole while. My hand crushed between our chests. My hand fit so perfectly. It was almost as if it was meant to be there.

My fingers curled and clung to the fabric over his chest. If possible be held me closer as we moved to the slow temple. His left hand pushed the hair that was in my face and moved it behind my ear.  His hand moved back to its original place and he kissed my forehead.

"I love you."

A smile broke on my face and I breathed in to try and hold back tears. Before I could even try to compose myself, I felt the tears fall down my face. I buried my face in his neck and breathed in his musky scent.

"Baby what's wrong?" He said while he leaned back and tried to look at me.

I looked up at his warm and intense brown eyes. His eyes they always held so much security and depth. Now they look at me with fear and insecurities and so much worry.

"Nothing baby."
"Then why are you crying?" He asked in the softest voice that I've only heard him use once before.
"Because I wanted to hear you say that for so long." I whispered

He cupped my face gently in-between his hands. "I love you," He whispered again before he kissed me. His soft and warm lips met mine in a passionate and loving embrace. This kiss felt different from the others. For the first time he wasn't holding back. He wasn't scared.

"I love you to," I whispered back against his lips. He pressed his lips against mine once again but this time I felt a smile on his face.

"Merry Christmas baby."
"Merry Christmas."
It's been crazy not being able to see you, but your going to be my late Christmas gift/ Birthday present. Happy That I finally get to hold you in my arms were you belong. And see you again, and you'll be meeting my parents =D
You support me in my writing.
But you don't support me in my art.
You don't give me your time.
You don't give me your love.
That night you were drinking.
All those months ago.
Were you trying to forget?
Forget everything about me?
Why is it you can't see
what your doing to  me

I love you baby.
I went from knowing.... to leaving maybe
I don't want to leave.
But your making it hard for me to breath.
it's hard not to cry.
When I've already had so many thoughts of wanting to die.
I just want you to fight.
Fight for you.
Fight for me.
Fight for us.

I can hold on for so long.
I need your hand
your support.
I need you.

But your not here.
I can feel sleep taking over me,
I can feel my fears controlling me.
It's crawled its way from the deepest part of my soul.
It's slender fingers wrapping around my fragile heart.
It's voice piercing my mind.
I can hear the screams and whimpers as I lay asleep.

I dream nothing but of horrors.
No longer sure if its of this life or the past.

Nightmares, of being a lone and broken.
Of blood
and tears.
Of a mask and thieves.
A man steeling innocence.
My lover breaking my heart.
Tears of a coffin.
Fire burning everything.

My nights have become restless.
The demon,
the creature of the night has taken hold.

No escape.
I'm suffocated.
My only escape is the bottle downstairs,
or the flooding of the seas.

Windows shut,
door locked.
I'm stuck frozen in time.
Or in space?
Trapped in my own mind with no where to escape.

The man in the mask,
the man in my room.
Hooded by darkness as he watches me sleep.

No where is safe.
Not even in my dreams.
What was once danger was my reality,
but now...
now its my self,
and my soul.
That puts me in more danger.
I don't know where to go.
Where to turn.
My dream of bright nights.
Have turned into my hood of darkness
and the unseen
You are not innocent.
Far from it.
You have every man rapped around your finger.
Binding their soul to your heart.
But never holding strong enough to hold their heart to yours.
For a heart
one that is pure and rich in love.
Can see the poison and venom
written in yours.

You are a devil,
coated with wings of an angel.
You wear a mask to hide your true face.
You lead every man
to believe your sad song.
To see a face of pain and sorrow.
But all you want is pity.

I will no longer serve your purpose and give you a face of pity.

You may call me a demon
a cruel monster and dark mistress.
Yet I am the only one that sees your true colors.
And the monster you rally are.
Decide for yourself,
and no one but you.
Don't make a decision
based on what everyone tells you to do.
Because not one of them are you.
And none of them will have to live with the consequences the way you'll have to.
Your pushing me one way
and I'm pushing you in the other.
At this point we are doing nothing but pushing each other.

I don't know what's happened.
What we have become.
But this is a situation
that always leaves us to become undone.
This is one fight,
one fight we will always have.

Your pushing me,
I feel every push.
Every tug.
I can't
no I won't.
But why do you make me feel like I can't say no.
Every time you push me,
the air in my lugs
the pumping of my heart.
Feels like someone's fist is striking me with such passionate blows.

I can't answer.
It was only half an hour ago,
that I couldn't breath.
I coughed and choked.
Gasping for air.
Running to the walls,
to the door.
Falling on my bed.
But too far and out of reach of a handle.

I can't answer.
I can't speak.
I don't know what this hold on me is.
Every trace of stress,
makes me suffer.
And suffocates me.

I'm pushing you.
Your pushing me.
Where pushing each other.
I'm pushing you to keep me from suffering in pain and sorrow.
But your pushing me for pleasure.
But thats what I fear most.
Do you want me for pleasure?
or do you want me for happiness?

We're pushing each other.
But at the end of the day...
were are we really pushing each other?
I'M BACK!!!!!
The only thing I'm grateful for. Is that you never made me a promise in some sick twisted way. I'm great full for that.
I remember before
a few months ago actually.
We talked about leaving.
Maybe not me and you together.
But just being far away.

But now,
you don't want to leave.
Not without me.
I felt flattered,
and dare I say even loved.

What I said next is not what you expected to here.
But what you need to know,
that end of the day.
At the end of every night.
I'll still be up,
no matter how late at night.
Waiting here.

I'm not stupid,
and I'm not one of those girls that will forever be waiting on their prince to come.
or for someone to give them the time of day.
The difference with this story.
Was I was walking away.
You finally woke up from your dream.
And came over and grabbed me.

I have you,
and you have me.
I will support you.
Love you,
and like I always have been.
I'll be there for you.
So if it means the extra distance
where all we have are a couple of phone calls,
and text messages that are blowing up each others phones.
I'll take that.

Because at the end of the day.
I know you really don't want to leave me,
and even if your scared to admit it.
You do love me
the same way I love you.
You grow irritable with my insecurities.
You grow mad with anger.
Leaving me with nothing left to say
but a simple sorry.
You will never hit me with your fist.
But your silence
leaves a darker bruise on my skin.
Then any punch could ever leave.

My insecurities are a curse.
My love
my emotions
my heart.

It's all a curse.

Where is the blessings?
Where are the miracles I have herd so much about?
The ones that are a gift from heaven.
A kiss
that is a token of love and affection?

Where is that?
or was my birth seen to be unfit of such a gift?
Was I born to be a curse?
Or was I born to lend everyone a hand.
In finding their own happiness?
But mine to forever be in a tomb.
Buried alive.

Hidden from earth.
From my eyes for thousands of years.
I can feel the very chains of my sorrow
weighing heavily on my soul.

I no longer have a circle.
Not even a square.
For the people I let in.
Are the exact ones to slam a door in my face.
And lock me out.
Leaving me stranded
in the freezing cold.

To then open up when you feel the chill of winters end.

I'm falling deep into the black abyss.
I feel my self drowning in the waves.
I can't breath
can't think.

Images of a razor
and blood dripping down my wrist.

A heart broken
pieces of a pure and loving heart.

I don't swim for air.
I don't cry for help.
I don't stop the blood.
I just lay there.
In my corner.
Surrounded by the cold blankets of shadows.
Laying on the wooden floor.
In my black lace underwear.
With no one in sight,
no one there.
No one to help me out of my darkness.
I haven't uploaded anything in a while... so what do you guys want to see?
Not sure how to say it, but some times I just don't have the right words. Especially when you know something that I didn't thing you realized. Of course going to be quiet. Because I have no words to speak. I'm in shock, and in some way I'm in fear. Because if you knew this... why is it you never said anything. Worse what else can you know? It's not that I want to keep secrets from you. But at the end of the day. Having you so close.... it's new. It's a risk. But I guess when it comes to the two of us. We need to learn that some risk are worth taking.